Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer's caregivers

Doug and so many of you wrote about the perplexing nature of acceptance.  Many of you agreed that accepting your situation as it is offers up room for ease and coping, but nevertheless isn't easy.

As Doug wrote, "accepting is not a onetime process...it is a work in progress". And Joy wrote, "Sometimes we just get tired out and have to holler." How true those statements are!

Acceptance isn't the same as liking it, and acceptance doesn't mean we aren't allowed to get angry. You, as caregivers, have every right to feel all of your emotions and to let them out. You're entitled to bad days — no judgment or apology necessary.

Although Joy recognizes her anger, not all caregivers can see it in themselves. Often you may not be in tune with your emotions because you're immersed in someone else's needs and consumed with the tasks at hand.  Yet you live in extraordinary circumstances and have understandable reasons to be angry.

You take on difficult and unpleasant tasks and often feel unappreciated. You have little time for yourself and less time for friends and personal relationships. In addition, you often set unrealistic expectations for yourself and often believe it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, or believe that no one can do the job quite like you can.

It's common to feel anger toward the one you're caring for.  Sometimes, the anger may be a symptom of the fear most caregivers experience when faced with such an ambiguous loss. Undoubtedly, caregivers are at risk for feeling angry. However, feeling angry isn't the real problem. As caregivers you're entitled to (and should) feel anger if that's what you feel. The problem comes with not knowing what to do or how to relieve the anger.

An excellent booklet titled "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger", from the Duke Family Support Program at Duke University Medical Center, states that anger is a normal and expectable emotion. The booklet offers ways of responding that support the caregivers' well-being and that of the person they're caring for.

I'm going to highlight some of the ways to manage anger in my next blog. But for now, I want to leave you with an excerpt from the booklet and ask that you offer some thoughts on your own anger triggers (or pressure points) and what, if any, helpful ways you respond when you get angry.

"Anger is an emotional response to a grievance, real or imaginary, in the past, present or future. The pain of anger is very real. If we don't know how to relieve it the right way, we will react to it in ways that make things worse instead of better."

— Mitchell Messer as cited in the booklet "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger"

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Alzheimer's caregivers can love more by caring less

Getting my hair colored has become one of my most pleasurable events — and not so much because I hope covering my gray helps me look 10 years younger. It's more about the joy I feel while sitting in the chair for two uninterrupted hours of dozing off and paging through magazines I just can't bring myself to buy at the grocery store — "Us Weekly," "People," "OK! Magazine".

At today's salon visit, I came upon an article in "O, The Oprah Magazine" that got me thinking about you, the readers of my blog. The article, written by Martha Beck, is titled, "How to Love More by Caring Less."

In the article, Martha Beck describes the concept that loving without caring is a useful approach. I was intrigued by this idea and wondered if it translated in any way to the turbulent nature of loving and caring for a person with Alzheimer's. I realize, though, that it's the "without caring" that probably seems illogical to many of us.

As Alzheimer's caregivers, many of you would probably say that to care for someone means to prepare meals, assist with feeding, dressing and personal hygiene, manage medications, orchestrate appointments and so on. But Beck would say that care can also mean being weighed down by cares.

In my experience, Alzheimer's caregivers are often invested physically and emotionally in the caring around day to day tasks and the challenging behaviors their loved ones with the disease can exhibit. Common behaviors in a person with Alzheimer's can include agitation, apathy, delusions, paranoia, and sleep problems to name some. And caregivers care that their loved one is confused, agitated or unable to sleep.

For many Alzheimer's caregivers, when they care, emotions such as worry, frustration, guilt and agitation are often an unwelcome outcome of caring — and that, I believe, is when unconditional love can get buried. Beck writes, "Unlike 'caring', the word love has no such range of meaning: Love is pure acceptance." So, to love, maybe we do need to care less.

As I read the article, I contemplated if Alzheimer's caregivers can find a way to "un-care" about challenging behaviors their loved ones exhibit and care less about day to day caregiving. I'm not saying that caregivers should be complacent in their responsibilities, I'm just saying that by caring less, there's limited emotional investment in the results of caregiving tasks or the behaviors of the person with the disease.

If we accept Beck's idea that it's possible to love more if we care less, then I guess we can all stop trying so hard and breathe a bit of relief, right? And if you don't buy into her idea, then may I suggest you make an appointment soon to spend a couple hours sitting in a chair at the hair salon — no doubt, a simple way to love (yourself) more.

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